The Day After

Say it ain't so, Joe.

The Day of Reckoning

The Day of Reckoning is here and God is on our side:

More on Rocks

One of the most profound and potentially devastating discoveries that my research team into the mating habits of rocks has found is something that may shock the core of western civilization. It was paleongeologist Dr. Ignatz Von Kipplehoffer of Vienna, while with the research team in Outer Mongolia, who came across carbon footprints that proved, without a doubt, that human beings are descended from rocks, and not, as previously thought, descended from apes. This discovery may alter all the concepts underlying evolution, biology, zoology, chemistry, physics, and tupperware. For if we are evolved from rocks, the bigger question then becomes, Who are we? What are we? And why are we? And this also explains why pet rocks were once popular. Obviously, once this information becomes public knowledge, there will be a run on pet rocks, so you may want to claim yours now.

The Mating Habits of Rocks

As you probably are aware, my bio states that one of the things I do in my spare time is "Study the mating habits of rocks." If I had a penny for everytime someone asks me about this, I would have enough money to buy the Taj Mahal, the Albert Hall, and the Empire State Building, with enough change left over to get an order of chicken wings. Very soon you will be able to read my book based on five years of exhaustive research by my team of international scholars and myself. We have cracked the mystery of rocks and their mating habits. As you can see by the above picture, we have a rare photo of rocks caught mating in their natural environment. And as you can see from the below picture, the output of the mating are all these smaller rocks and pebbles. Look for the book, "The Secret Life of Rocks" very soon, along with the companion film, coming soon to a theater near you. Narrated by Paris Hilton.

Paris, Part Trois

Ok, I'm venturing into the field of politics right now. But how can it be that Paris Hilton, at 23 days, serves more time than Scooter Libby? Whose crime was worse?
Ok, on a more important note, the Mets win their first game of the second half. Go Mets! Although it's sad to see Father Time, aka Julio Franco, off the team.

Paris, Part Deux

And so, no, Paris wasn't there at the book signing on June 23 at Borders, contrary to rumors. But reports have come out since on why she wasn't there. It turns out she wanted to come, and had her bags all packed, but the judge barred her from coming. When the judge found out she was planning on leaving the prison to attend the signing, he hauled her into court and ordered her to stay. On hearing this, Paris began to cry and turned to her mother and said, "Mom, why is he doing this to me?"

But now that Paris is out of jail, she can do what she wants, and as you can see from this picture of Paris holding The Knuckleball From Hell, Paris wants everyone to know that she is reading and enjoying it immensely.

Is Paris Burning?

Ok, ok, this is crazy. For the book signing I'm doing this Sat., June 23 at 2pm at Borders Books at 395 Broadway in Saratoga Springs, NY, a reporter with the daily newspaper the Albany Times-Union reported on his blog that Paris Hilton will be there. He said he got the info from Brenda Booth, a gossip columnist with the NY Post. I hope she doesn't come, because it will create a mob scene and detract from the book signing.

Book Signing Sat. at Borders

This Sat., June 23, at 2pm at Borders Books of Saratoga Springs, NY, I will be doing a book signing/event. Should be fun!!! You may have heard the rumors that Borders will be moving out all the books in order to install a baseball field for the event, and to tell you the truth I have no idea if it's true. Borders has been very secretive about everything, which includes another rumor that a famous baseball player, possibly Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, or David Wright, will show up to take part in the festivities. Then another rumor began circulating that Paris Hilton was also going to be there. I don't know where these rumors are coming from, but Borders will not confirm or deny them, so I am really unsure what to think.

Let the Games Begin!!

Ok, the long awaited weekly contest has begun, in conjunction with the release of "The Knuckleball From Hell." So what are you waiting for? Go on over to www.knuckleballfromhell.com/Contest.html and play. You might be the winner!!

What a Night!

It was quite the party celebrating the release of "The Knuckleball From Hell," and as you can see, by the end of the night, Mr. Met had one drink too many and passed out. But he and Condi Rice danced the night away, along with the entire White House cabinet and even the President, who, judging by the looks of things, may have had too much to drink also. The good news is that Mr. Met picked himself up and got to work the next day, on time to cheer the Mets on as they beat the Yankees in the first game of the Subway Series 2007, Part II. And now, Mr. Met and Condi are considering moving in together. Go Mr. Met!

It's Here!!!!

Attention! Great news! Today, on the White House lawn, at a joint press conference, Mr. Met and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice announced that The Knuckleball From Hell is now out! Get your copy now at www.knuckleballfromhell.com or at Amazon.com or at your favorite bookstore! And tell your friends - Condi has and word is that everyone in the State Department is reading it right now, because she has made it required reading. She is currently studying the Mideast peace proposal in The Knuckleball From Hell that wins the two Mets outfielders the Nobel Peace Prize, with the hopes that it can be applied to real life.

Coming Soon!

It's coming...The Knuckleball From Hell is coming in 2 weeks. That's 14 days, 336 hours, 20,160 minutes, and 1,209,600 seconds. Can you wait? Life as we know it will not be the same after it comes out, for peace will break out across the world, blonds will stop having more fun, Superman will no longer be weakened by Kryptonite, and the Mets will be in first. Oh, they're in first now. Well then, I shoulda said the Yankees.

People have been asking me about this character Donutman who appears in the book. In fact, the US Department of Health is concerned he will be a bad role model for kids because he is promoting the consumption of donuts. But what I tell them is that these are no carbs, no fats, no sugars, no articial anything, donuts. These are special donuts that make Donutman the powerful superhero he is. They are made of spinach, salmon, and oat bran, and nothing else. In fact, Donutman just signed an endorsement deal with Dunkin Donuts, and all their donuts are now going to have the Donutman seal of approval, if they are made with spinach, salmon, and oat bran. Dunkin Donuts, in a press release announcing the endorsement deal, stated that 90% of the donuts they sell will now be these types of donuts.

Check out the YouTube video

Here's the video that's been posted on YouTube of The Knuckleball From Hell. Enjoy! Feel free to post a comment or to rate it.

Hair

Ok, it was a long swim from Guantanamo - you think they would have offered me at least a boat ride - but I'm back. It's great to be here once again, and I will abide by the Vice-President's dictum and only discuss the Mets. But then again, is there any other topic worth talking about? So let's discuss hair. To your left is a photograph taken the other day from inside the Mets clubhouse, when a serial razor went through the Mets clubhouse and sheared the locks of all Mets in their path. Samson may have rolled in his grave, thinking about what Delilah did to him. But so far the results are promising - the Mets are winning with their new locks. Which means others are now getting on the bandwagon. Exhibit A is the picture to the lower right - this picture was taken inside the Mets clubhouse one hour ago, this is a new rookie who wants to be on the team and was willing to shear their locks. What do you say - just because the rookie had the haircut, does the rookie now get to be on the team?

From The Boss

The boss here. My understudy George asked me for a request to free this Michael Wayne terrorist from Guantanamo. I have reviewed the records and I'm not thrilled about letting him out, but I'll relent. Just this once. Never again after that. But we'll be watching him. He does anything funny or says anything funny on his website, www.knuckleballfromhell.com
then he's going back. Stick to the Mets Mr. Wayne, and then while not fully safe, you at least have a better chance of being a free man.

The President of the United States, George W. Bush

Y'know, I don't like it when Democrats start politicizing issues that shouldn't be politicized. So when Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who isn't a Democrat, came to me with an issue that wasn't political, I decided it was time I was the Agreer-in-Chief. I'm already the Decider-in-Chief, which Mayor Bloomberg isn't. But as Agreer-in-Chief, I agreed that it was time to agree. And so, after I talk it over with my boss, and you know who I'm talking about, if He agrees, then I will, as Agreer-in-Chief, be willing to release this fellow, the one who wrote that book about the Knucklething from you know where - my religious beliefs don't allow me to say from where - that fellow is Michael Wayne, my people tell me. Well, if the boss tells me so, then I, George W. Bush, will, as Agreer-in-Chief, let him go.

A Message From New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg

A grave injustice has been done. Michael Wayne, the author of "The Knuckleball From Hell," a book that finally gives all Mets fans something to be proud of and something to laugh about, and in the process unites all Mets fans, should not be taken away to Guantanamo by the Department of Homeland Security. Just because he poked a little fun at the Department is no reason for them to get all bent out of shape about it. Please write your congressman or senator about this. I will do all in my power to fix this. Michael Wayne is a great American, and a Mets fan to boot.

Go Mets!

HIzzoner Michael Bloomberg

From the Department of Homeland Security:

This post is from Special Agents Tom Bishop and Bob Temple of the Department of Homeland Security. We have seized the blog of one Michael Wayne, who we have had under surveillance for some time now, because of his disparaging remarks he has made about us, our chicken wing eating habits, and our Department. Mr. Wayne is currently waiting to be shipped to Guantanamo. We ask that for the sake of this country, and for the sake of the future of mankind, you do not read his book. It is subversive and undermines everything this country stands for. You can go now, although do not go to www.knuckleballfromhell.com

Coming June 15!

Ok, Mets fans, sports fans, baseball fans, and fans of offbeat, irreverent humor: are you ready for The Knuckleball From Hell? It's only the funniest book of the year! It's coming June 15. Be forewarned...cause ready or not...and if you aren't ready, them chicken-wing eating Department of Homeland Security Special Agents will get you!

www.knuckleballfromhell.com